Internship Sample 1

(Edited Poem from BHB collection)

I lie in[1]  summer grass,

watch night’s darkening [2] and the shooting stars:

comforted, yet uneasy in this ancient mystery.

 

Think thoughts of women approaching

Michelangelo, kicking his statue

in the knee, to make him move.

Thoughts hard to reconcile…

who was it wrote three books[3] 

highlighting morality’s virtues?

It never caught on.

 

Drifting in the nightfall[4]  sky I expose myself

to time inevitable,

lingering in[5]  the idea of being indefinite.

    

I marvel at this urge

to extend the self through endless blue, to seek

invisibility in passionate embrace,

the luxury of that ancient mystery.

 

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 [1]Insert a [the] after [in]
 [2]This might work better as [watch the night darken]
 [3]Missing a word here, perhaps a [that] after it
 [4]Interesting word choice, but [nightfall] interrupts the flow in this section. Evening or eventide might work better. Minor observation, however.
 [5]on

Edits Key
Green Highlight = Awkward Phrasing                                      (Titles are redacted for privacy)